So tonight was the very special night each year where the both the bougie and the ratchet in the Black community come together and try to get along: The BET Awards. I only turn on BET maybe three times a year, and this is one of them. it keeps me educated and shit. And I have thoughts:
- Let’s all have a moment of silence for the end of Chris Tucker’s career. I really feel bad for him. He just wasn’t funny. He was awkward, unrehearsed, and even louder than usual. At one point, he was gone for an hour and everyone thought BET just fired him in the middle of the show. But he came back and plugged his upcoming comedy DVD. Oh Chris, you probably could have sold more DVDs if you just had not shown up tonight.
- Thirteen years since The Best Man and we have a sequel on the way! Best Man Holiday is on the way and everybody is still fine! Sanaa Lathan and Nia Long were looking quite scrumptious this evening. The Best Man is a classic and I am here for re-visiting these characters and how they have grown.
- I am not sure if Meghan Goode was there but I did see a very nice rack that seemed to have her voice. They presented a gospel award. I’m not sure who won. All I remember is boobs. Glorious boobs.
- I only understand about 40% of what rappers say. I am slowly turning into my mother.
- They sat Angela Bassett next to 2Chainz. This almost makes sense considering they are the same age…. but it was uncomfortable for me nonetheless.
- The Pied Piper brought a gospel choir to assist him in his greatest hits and neither I or the Lord was pleased. -_- Look, I will not dispute the epicness of R. Kelly’s catalogue. However, making good music does not mean that we should forget that he pees on children. I mean if we forgive a nigga that literally pees on children we officially have no standards as a community. We need to stop inviting R. Kelly to the cookout! He cannot come. He needs to stay his ass in the house like the rest of the sex offenders. Children are at the BET Awards. You cannot have R. Kelly being allowed with 25 feet of Bow Wow or Kevin Hart.
- Columbus Short is fine. Like, really fine. Like Jesus I promise I will be in church every Sunday fine. When he came out on stage, I stood up. And when he bit his lip ever-so-slightly, I was LAIN TO REST. I couldn’t take it. I still haven’t quite caught my breath. All I can think is JESUS JESUS JESUS!! It’s the suits. A fine black man in a suit?!?!?! TAKE ME TO THE KING!
- Speaking of which, YESSSSSS for Tamela Mann. She filled my whole entire heart. I love that song! And as always, Mrs. Mann came on the stage with waist snatched and hair coiffed to perfection. I am here for her and that song every day. And shoutout to Sista Franklin for playing piano for that rendition.
- Uncle Charlie got a Lifetime Achievement Award. He thanked his “chirrun” and talked about being “the onlyest one”. I chuckled. He was excited about it! The only person I remember being more excited than him about their on tribute was Miss Whitney. Charlie got his life while India.Aria, Jamie Foxx, and Stevie Wonder sang for him. Jamie was not so much in the key of life but I was OK with it because everybody was having a good time and really appreciating Charlie’s music.
- Stevie Wonder’s stylist thinks s/he is funny. They dressed Stevie like an African bookstore and no one had the heart to tell him it wasn’t a good look. I don’t know why they always set Steveland up like this. He is a musical genius and he deserves better.
- Justin Timberlake is African-American, as evidenced by him being on this promo banner for the BLACK Entertainment Awards. JT has been frequenting the BET Awards for about 10 years, and he is VERY comfortable at this point. More comfortable than, say, Wayne Brady. He got to present Charlie with his award AND take place in the best performance of the night. Charlie Wilson, Pharrell, JT, and Snoop Dog/Lion gave everyone all the life by singing all the good Black cookout songs, dancing, and just seeming like they were having a good ass time. No pyrotechnics. Just good music and people who both appreciated it and created it. At that point, it seemed like the show should have been over. It REALLY should have been the finale. But, alas, 2 mins later….
- Nicki Minaj is back to spit another verse that no one could hear because of all the BLEEPing the censors had to do. I mean, why are we SO DAMNED LAZY these days that we can’t make radio edits of songs? What gives? It’s no fun listening to a broadcast with morse code all up and through it. In other news, Nicki is actually pretty & tolerable when she allows herself to look and sound like a normal person instead of a cartoon character.
- Nicki is joined by Ciara. Cici proceeds to scare Tamela Mann’s Jesus back out of the room by grinding and bumping like only she can. The stage might be pregnant. I am not mad at her — I just think it was an interesting turn of events. I respect Ciara as an expert in the craft of male stripping and I think she deserves awards for her accomplishments in advancing the art of d*ck-slanging on stage.
- Apparently, I could have been nominated for a Best Female Rap Award. BET just picks random chicks from the phone book and nominates them so they can have a category for Nicki Minaj. Waiting to hear the winner of the female rap category is about as suspenseful as waiting for Ricky Martin to come out of the closet. Just a big ass DUH!
- Paula Patton might be on that shit. At first, I thought she may have just had the normal excitement a white woman has when she is surrounded by four attractive black men, but upon further inspection, I’m pretty sure she poppin prescription pills. And that is unfortunate. But heyyyyy to Boris Kodjoe. He was my focus while they were on stage.
- Janelle Monae closed the show with Erykah Badu. Which is cool! This signals that either BET is trying to be a bit more upscale (Being Mary Jane also fits into this theory), or that Cover Girl made this a part of their sponsorship (since Janelle is a CoverGirl). Either way, it’s a win for black women everywhere and I can dig it. Janelle is about the cutest thing ever and no one can deny her talent.
- Then the post-show came on. It was hosted by Brandy and her puppy-brother. Upon seeing puppy-brother, I changed the channel.
All in all, I’m not really mad at BET. It was a decent production and no performances were too assaulting to my sensibilities. I wasn’t moved by much besides Uncle Charlie, though. BET has a hard time getting arena-type stars like Beyonce, Rihanna, Jay-Z, and Kanye on stage these days. So what did you guys think? Was the BET Awards good for you this year?