Santa Visited the BeyHive!

//Santa Visited the BeyHive!

Santa Visited the BeyHive!

The BeyHive is having the best day ever! Beyonce’ surprised us with no only new music, but 17 music videos. Thusly, I am left baldheaded.

Beyonce’ came like a thief in the night and snatched my wig. She came through and was like “I’m above your paygrade” and now we are all left trying to find our edges. I mean… this little Black child from Houston shut down iTunes without one red cent in advertising or even the decency to shoot an album cover. She is a woman after my own heart. Beyonce invests in her BRAND first and foremost, and that is why we have 17 music videos. This move is part marketing genius and part just stunting on hoes because she know she is the only artist who could really get away with it.

First and foremost, I owe Beyonce an apology. I thought that after selling out a WORLD tour in less than 5 mins, releasing her documentary, and then then touring throughout 2013 that she had simply decided not to release music this year. I thought that between the touring and spokespersoning and raising Blue, she was taking a break before blessing us with new music. I should have been more faithful. I should have known she would not forsake us. Just when we had given up hope she came through with the sneak attack and gave us not a single, not an album, but 17 different music videos. I mean…. DAMN BEY. She was touring and recording and shooting 17 music videos at the same damn time and ain’t even tell us!!

I needed a warning to secure my wig. I got up this morning and watched all 17 videos TWICE before I gave a thought to doing anything else. I didn’t immediately stan out on the first two vids, but she got me in the end. And overall I LOVE this album. Here’s my vid-by-vid immediate reaction:

Pretty Hurts – 8 seconds into the video her booty bounced casually as she turned to spray and my heart skipped a beat.. Damn her. She got me already! This song is OK but I don’t see myself playing it often. I know this song is supposed to be deep and everything and people will latch onto it, but I’m not really here for deep Beyonce so I didn’t care for this one as much as the others. I rarely like positive songs by anyone. I may have a problem. But yeah “your soul needs surgery” and don’t let nobody let you feel Unpretty and you are beautiful no matter what they say and blah blah blah. But I know that already. I was like OK this gets a C+ for now. It may grow on me.

Ghost – Oh, phooey, another song with a “message”. This is Beyonce raging against capitalism. She feels bad for all you guys working 9 to 5 just to stay alive while she chills with Oprah. It was cool and some images were interesting, but I still longed for Sasha Fierce. I’m sitting here like… so is there no twerking on this album? At this point, I was a little worried that I wasn’t gonna like this album very much. But then…

Haunted – First, get into the ensemble. The shoes. The hair. The makeup. The coat. Beyonce walked into this creepy hotel to slay. When she crooned “I know if I’m onto you, you must be onto me“, I was into it. This song was more visually and sonically interesting than the first two. Then the beat dropped and we were getting somewhere. There are lots of creepy visuals I could comment on but ultimately this was all about the alphet she had on for me. LOL. Slayonce!!

Drunk In Love – Yes, drunk Beyonce! This is what I got up at 6am for!!! Beyonce is sexier when she does the casual, girl-next-door. smiley thing than when she dresses in lingerie. She gave is a little of both here. I went into full STAN mode. I live for the ghetto/country twang that leaves the last letter off of a word “bodies grindin off in that clu'”! I love ghetto Beyonce. I love cursing Beyonce. Her facial exppressions, her dancing. The stank ass “I’m bout to twerk” leg kick. This is what I came here for!  Definitely noticed the lyrics were quite explicit for Bey. We are used to seeing her naked but not necessarily talking about “graining on that wood” and “singing on the mic” to her boy toy. Yessssss Bey! Ride it like a surfboard!!! And then Jay shows up to remind us that his beach is better and slide the panties to the side. I think this is my favorite song in the whole album.

Blow – OK, Bey is really nasty now. She is getting her Donna Summer on. At first I thought this might be lost footage from ATL, but then kitten’s started popping in flourescent outfits and we were talking turning cherries out and I was clutching my pearls. Oh my. This song is pretty fun and definitely seems like Solange might have something to do with it.

Angel – I liked hearing this more than seeing it.  Maybe because I have never been into bad boys and I’m not from the souf. I just wanted all those dudes to see a dentist and get themselves some Tom Ford. But sonically, it’s kinda sexy.

Yonce –I sneezed on the beat and the beat got slicker“. These are facts!! FACTS. I love rapping, shit-talking Beyonce almost as much as ghetto Beyonce. Not many women can put models in their video in skimpy clothes and the models seem lesser. Yonce all on his mouth like likka!

Petittion– Baybeeeeee……. Listen. I needed a full 3 days warning just to prepare myself for these lyrics. When she said “He Monica Lewinsky’d all on my gown“, I had to immediatley run that shit back.  Like, Beyonce?!?!!? Is that you, girl? I see we grown now!! This song is what my dreams are made of. I have probably listened to it 50-leven times already. This is the first time Beyonce has ever made reference to giving oral sex and I am personally all the way here for it. It’s super sexy and it makes me wish I was Jay-Z.

Jealous – Jay better bring his ass home on time! How you gone let Bey have dinner alone?!!? Beyonce takes to the streets to prove she still got it even though her man is staying out late and lying. And she gives us fake tears. I have to admit she is a great actress when she’s singing at the same time. Things only go awry when music isn’t playing. But I digress… Bey slowed it back down a little bit for this one and I appreciate that it felt a little more ‘R&B’ and less pop. At first I was kinda sad that it was a negative subject, but among the other 10 odes to good penis and love, we can deal with one slightly less happy song.

Rocket – I expected D’Angelo to start singing at some point. This is the most soulful situation happening for Bey. It’s reminscent of ‘Dangeriously in Love’ era Beyonce, which is my personal favorite. Again, she’s being nasty as hell. Closeups of her booty? “Boy I know you can feel it pulse“. And ending with a post-coital “Damn“. Yeah, this entire project is starting to feel like an Ode to Sean Carter’s penis.

Mine – And then Drake showed up and did Drake-like things. He is not worthy of attempting to harmonize with Beyonce just off GP, but it’s a good collab. This is another one where I prefer the song to the video. People were making out through sheets and it was creepy. But this does have one of my favorite lines on the album “Stop making a big deal out of the little things/Cuz I got big things and I got little things/the only thing I don’t have is you.”

XO – This is a fun and supercute love song! This is casual, happy, romantic Bey. Vocally she uses different tones and it makes it way more interesting. Feels timeless. Faved.

Flawless – Yes! Bow Down is back! Remixed I guess. I liked it then and I like it now. Like I said, I enjoy shit-talking Beyonce. She’s my favorite female rapper. I mean, it ain’t like she can’t back up everything she says. Then in the middle we get a feminist statement from Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche. I appreciate that! I see you, Bey. You can be a feminist and tell bitches to Bow Down and big up your hubby and say marriage ain’t everything at the same damn time! We get to be ratchet and deep at the same time and that is really what my life is about. Tell them negroes “I woke up like this”. And she is dancing so hard at the end. Lurve!

SuperPower – I don’t have time to try and understand this video. Beyonce’s army of love is raging against the machine? IDK.  But she looks amazing and is giving us under-boob, so the rest doesn’t matter. She invited Kelly and Michelle and Pharrell (because Solange was busy, I guess). I wonder why Frank Ocean didn’t show up for the vid?

Heaven –  “Heaven couldn’t wait for you. So go on, go home“. I got the sads. This is a beautiful song & video about dealing with loss. Also feels timeless and like something she’ll be singing in 20 years.

Blue – I ain’t got no kids but I guess this is cute. LOL. We now know Blue can talk. It’s crazy how she looks exactly like both Jay-Z and Beyonce.

Grown Woman – Now this song has been around for a while and I have worked up a sweat or two to it. And her live performances of this one have been epic. THe thing I like about the video is that it basically proves that Beyonce has never had an awkward stage and has, in fact, looked better than you every day of her life.

So there you have it. I started off with concerns but in the end I loved it! A perfect blend of the beauty and diva-thuggery. It’s happy, grown-up songs about being a woman in love. With some stank thrown in for da kids. How do you know like that? Overall this is vocally less aggressive than ‘4’, so we can expect live performances to push these songs further, and I am here for that! Can’t wait!

By | 2014-06-07T12:19:26+00:00 December 13th, 2013|Reviews|0 Comments