Your Bra Strap Is Showing

Dear Willie Norwood Jr

You hit it first? Ok. We know. This ain’t news. We saw the tape 75 years ago. Where have you been? Ask not who hit first, but who is hitting it now? Who is hitting it better? Consistently? And in the future? Bottom line is, you lose. Cuz this song includes an open invitation for her to come back, and guess what, she ain’t coming back. You are drawing attention to how you are epicly LOSING right now.

Think about it: You got the most unenthusiastic head in the history of ameteur videos and she STILL got on. Despite her best efforts to look bored and uninterested, she still managed to build an empire.  And now that her income surpasses yours, she adds insult to injury by being with a man who is everything you want to be. And that burns you up. I get it. I understand the pain. But you need to bury that pain into some real art instead of this bull.

You are sitting here bragging about the “bomb sex” you had when we ALL SAW THE TAPE. We know full well it was lackluster sex. Sir, there are several seats at the unemployment office with your name on them. If you’re gonna engage in unwarranted braggery on your dick, at least burn the damn receipts first. Yes, your equipment was nice. But it ain’t like you were SLANGIN it. Nor was she catching it. Exhibit A was already entered into evidence a looooong time ago.

So why now? Why today? You waited for her to have at least 3 more relationships, including a marriage and a pregnancy, before you come out with this shit. Like, wtf? You’re coming for Kanye because he is 100000 times more successful than you and the single degree of separation you have from him is your biggest claim to fame. You’re basically dropping names in hopes that we are impressed. You aren’t even important enough for Kanye to respond to. If he did, it’s basically him being charitable and contributing to your popularity. Plus, you didn’t “hit it first”. This heifer got married & divorced before even meeting you, pool boy. Some other dude hit it first. You were not her first, last, or even most significant rodeo. But CLEARLY she was yours. Poor baby. You’re sooooooo salty. You’re Ike Turner salty that you feel like “you put her on” and now she is clearly more on than you. She went on to Kanye West. And you went on to a girl with a tattoo on her face. Womp.

I don’t even like Kimmy K. Her voice and that lackluster fellatio annoys me. But this shit is just so against the code I want to call her. I want to have a conversation about you and your latent Inglewood accent that solidifies your clownery everytime I hear it. I want to call Nielsen Ratings and have them email you a side-by-side infographic detailing the ratings of “Keeping Up With the Khardashians” vs. “For the Love of Ray-J”. I want to listen in as Kanye West calls you and The Recording Academy on 3-way and asks if Ray-J is nominated this year, just so we can all crack up when they respond with “Who?”. Oh, the laughs we would have!

I’m not gonna ask you what part of the game this is. This is absolutely, positively, NOT a part of the game. You look foolish. Grow the fuck up. And cover your damn bra strap, petty motherfucker.