You wanna see the receipts?!?!

I had a conversation with two male friends on the subject of child support. Mind you, none of the three of us in this conversation have children. But it came up, and their general opinion was that many women “misappropriate” child support to do things that don’t directly benefit the children, like getting their hair done.

*insert eye roll because we’ve all heard this before*

Their solution to this urban myth problem was that women should have to show receipts for how they are spending the money. You know, “like how we do at work”. Baby daddies need to see expense reports instead of all those Louis bags that baby mamas allegedly have that I never see them with. My sentiments:

Excuse me?!?!?! Get the entire f*ck out of here.

I am no baby mama and my explicit goal in life is to never have that title, but are you effin kidding me?!!? I wish a motherfunker would tell me, after a kid pukes on me, cries all night, needs help with homework, wanted that book read just ONE MORE TIME, that I need to save receipts. After I stepped on legos, cocoa buttered my stretch marks, and took this kid to the ER with a 100-degree fever whilst you slept peacefully in bed with your new chick…..  I WISH A N****A WOULD ask me if I somehow spent his child support money to get my hair done. I WISH A N**** WOULD!!!! The gall! The nerve!! What you should be doing is asking if I need a coupla more dollars to get myself a hot stone massage. But instead you’re wasting time asking me to account for precisely how much of this electric bill the kids are responsible for. GTFOH!

Just thinking about all the work single parents have to put in is a large part of the reason I don’t ever want to be a single parent. And honestly, if I had to choose between being the person caring for a newborn or the person writing the checks, I might choose writing the check. Seriously, if all you have to do is cut a check and show up with ice cream on the weekends, you are the one getting over.

Why? Because she did your shift plus her own on the overnight feedings. And when Junior got diarrhea at the mall…. yeah you missed that. But I guess that’s how the cookie crumbles. Keisha just drew the short straw. Child support = getting over like shit. So hit your dougie gentleman. Because actually living with and taking care of a child as a full-time parent (as a man? where dey do dat at?) wouldn’t save you any money, but what it would be is a helluva lot more stressful than writing a check.

Remember, if you really loathe child support it’s 100% avoidable. You could be the full-time custodial parent YOURSELF. Or, better yet, just don’t make babies with women you aren’t married to. #Church. #Tabernacle.