This is a note for all the Valentine’s Day Scrooges.
Here’s the thing: We all realize Valentine’s Day is an elaborate marketing scheme. We all realize you should show appreciation for your significant other 365 days per year, just like you should recognize Black History year-round. But if you are going to live and love in America, I need you to take a moment out of your week to participate in this cultural holiday.
It fascinates me the ferver with which some people (mostly men) oppose Valentine’s Day. Men go through great lengths to protest what really amounts to a National Date Night. Are ya’ll serious? Like, for real gentleman, choose your effing battles. Is taking a stand against Hallmark really worth making the women you supposedly love feel shafted? Do we really want to fight about this? Are there other things we could maybe opt-out of? Perhaps buying malt liquor? Of all the terrible ways society could influence us, asking you to take your lady out on a date is not the worst thing that could happen.
This Valentine’s debate should not have the emotional intensity of the public healthcare debate. Don’t die on the cross over her wanting some chocolates. That’s just stupid. If she seems like it’s remotely important to her, go ahead and get yourself some construction paper, glitter, glue sticks, markers together and tell her you love her. I promise it will not hurt that bad. And if you chose a winner, she will get you something too. But you get her gifts all the time, you say? Great! This is easy as pie for you. Just move last week’s gift or next week’s gift to Feb 14th – and voila! See how easy that was? It didn’t even cost you anything extra!
As your ladyfriend, I may know very well that you love me. There are a million ways in which love can be displayed outside of flowers and candy. I get that. But at the end of the day, when 500 flower deliveries come to the office and not one was for me, I’m gonna feel crappy. And you will not make me feel guilty about it. That shit sucks. That’s why in elementary school you had to bring a Valentine’s Card for EVERYONE in the class. Being the sole person left out of something SUCKS ASS, even if you realize it’s a stupid tradition.
If it was National Blowjob Day, and your girl told you she wasn’t doing it today because she gave you a blowjob last week and probably will next week, your ass is gonna be mad. This is the MAIN DAY you want a blowjob. All your friends got blowjobs. And they are gonna be talking about it tomorrow. And then they are gonna ask you how your blowjob turned out. And then when you say ‘Oh, we don’t celebrate that’, everyone will pity you. So just suck it up for the day and save her being angry at you for a time when you couldn’t have avoided that shit. This is your time to avoid the pouty face. And maybe earn yourself an extra trick or two this evening. Win-Win.
So just suck that shit up. You don’t have to go spend your whole paycheck. But you should at least acknowledge your love in some way. At least spend some TIME with your significant other. Of all the things we could go to battle against, should it really be romance? Like, really? We are going to unite against a day of romance? I can’t with ya’ll. If anything, we really could use some love in the Black community. We don’t have the luxury to just not take opportunities to appreciate each other and shit. We should love each other and show it EVERY DAY. But guess what? ‘Every day’ actually INCLUDES HOLIDAYS. And that’s all I’m saying.