In a conversation with a homegirl a few months back, the struggles that come along with being mammicularly blessed came up. So I have decided to share them with the world. If you have small chesticles, let this be a warning to you to be careful what you wish for. I give you, Big Titty Problems:
1. You can’t find bras. I wasn’t even out of high school when I outgrew the Victoria’s Secret collection. I do believe they sell 1 or 2 styles in a DDD (or at least they did last time I cared 10 years ago), but for the most part the cute styles end at a 38DD. That’s that bull. Although some department stores and online stores sell larger sizes, there are problems 2-6 below. The only positive thing is the old lady that does the bra fittings at Nordstrom tells me I am very blessed.
2. Bras are all minimizers. Who says that just because you have huge tits you want them minimized? That shit is racist. Yes, it is helpful when you see a button holding on for dear life, but for the most part I don’t want to make my boobs look smaller. The smaller my boobs look, the fatter the rest of me looks. Therefore, I would prefer them celebrated and not held down. Maybe I want a push-up bra!! That’s greedy, I know. But if I want a bra that can make an F cup look like a G cup, I should be able to get one dammit. This is a capitalistic society. Stop trying to make me a D. Skinny chicks can rock D’s. I got a lot of hips to balance out. Can’t no D’s do it.
3. Bras are not cute. Apparently, if you have huge honking boobs you are expected to want beige bras. Maybe a black one every now and again. But nothing colorful or sexy. You aren’t supposed to want all those cutesy prints and lacey numbers and sexy plunging necklines. No ma’am. You get a big beige full coverage bra with straps that are 3-inches wide and have 5 hooks in the back. Now granted, I understand that’s probably what Aretha Franklin needs to hold those puppies in place. But I’m still in my 20s so all that shit ain’t eeeeeven necessary. My boobs are not at my waistline. Now over the years I have learned to hunt and have a ton of cute bras but you best believe I work hard at that shit. Way harder than a 36C does.
4. Ain’t no matching panties. If you want a bra/panty set… you’re washed up. So if you are fortunate enough to find a cute & sexy bra through divine intervention, you now have to go on a totally separate mission to get some panties that sorta kinda MIGHT match back to it. I stopped giving a shit about this years ago, but men seem to care. So if you like men, you’ll do it.
5. Bras aren’t cheap. I wish I could get a $20 bra that actually looked like something and fit my boobs in it once in my life. But no….. I’ve over here with a $300 worth of bras in my online shopping cart. And all I got is 5 bras. No drawz! That’s that bull!! I’m telling you…
6. You can’t play golf. I will never forget going on a date to the driving range and trying to be taught how to play golf. Within minutes it became clear that there was simply no way I could swing my arms straight across the front of my body because I was just hitting boob. Everyone found this hilarious. Boobs will fuck up your stroke. I hate golf. Don’t ever ask me to play ever again.
7. Running is a goshdarn circus. A cotton sports bra just can’t contain 20 pounds of bounce. I have tried every possible type of sports bra to no avail. So running becomes a show for everyone in viewing distance. I remember in middle school a little boy told me if I kept running in gym class I was gonna put my eye out! Oh yeah — and your back will get angry with you.
8. It messes up his pimpin. Big ass bras are like Fort Knox. Dudes think they have skills if they can unhook a two-hook bra strap with one hand. Not impressive. You ever tried that shit with 4 or 5 hooks? Shiiiiiit. Awkward. If he isn’t used to it, it’s gonna take him a few minutes. And he’s prolly gonna feel inadequate because of it. The good news is, there is a big reward if he can get it open…. but he’s gonna have to work for it.
9. Fucking underwire. Underwire is a necessity. Bras without it give you either the uni-boob look or a granny look. So you’re gonna need some underwire to hold those puppies in place. But when that shit decides to give in one day and poke u in the size of your boob? LAWD!!! It ain’t good! I got scars man. And then don’t let it be your favorite bra!! The one that makes your boobs look like two ripe cassabamelons! Damn… a good bra is irreplaceable sometimes. *tear*
10. Men talk to your cleavage. There are a good percentage of men who have spent 10 mins talking to me who have no idea what color my eyes are. #Fact. This happens whether you have them on display or not. Hell, sometimes those suckers will creep out on you when you didn’t even intend for them to be out. Ol sneaky things! But yeah, staring is not cool. I will let you take one quick glance down but I’m gonna need your eyes to come right back up. Yes, I have eyes. Seriously.
Where my other big titty chicks at? Did I miss anything?
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